FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
