barbara walters just said penis...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
