can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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