If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I can text with my tongue
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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