You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i now understand why vodka
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
