she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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