she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
