Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i will never coherently bang her
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
