Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
