the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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