this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
