I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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