I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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