We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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