I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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