Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
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