We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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