Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
