i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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