I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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