$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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