Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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