i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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