Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
