it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
