I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
