Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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