She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
