woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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