I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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