I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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