the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
