lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
