The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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