I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
