If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
