I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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