Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
