We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
