I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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