remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
