fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my being single is dangerous.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
