I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
