I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
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