The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
