Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
