If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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