If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
