and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Congratulations! We have a period
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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