Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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